I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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