i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
They took my balls.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
