Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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