The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
