We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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