Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
