I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
