I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
