will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
