I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
