Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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