So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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