You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
