how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I understand Curling. That high.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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