I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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