I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
