Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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