I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize