I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize