I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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