Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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