I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
