I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
