This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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