you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
