i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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