My cat gives me a boner
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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