Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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