It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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