so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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