I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
