your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
