You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
