Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
