my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
