my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Houston, we have a blender
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
