I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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