your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
