I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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