I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
