I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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