2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
