What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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