Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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