I wish I could punch you in the face.
I CAN MOONWALK!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My ass is underappreciated
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
