Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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