sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
