Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
