I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
