i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
