Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
