Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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