Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
