How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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