At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
