I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
