She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What drink are we having for lunch?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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