If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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