Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
