I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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